Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Doc, who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cookoff, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli No. 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
DOC: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chilli No. 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
DOC: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chilli No. 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
DOC: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chilli No. 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
DOC: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chilli No. 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
DOC: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedical. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli No. 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
DOC: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the barmaid.
Chilli No. 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
DOC: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli No. 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
DOC: -------
(editor's note: Judge No.3 was unable to report since he was just driven away in the ambulance)